Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
RISHTA HELP LINE ARTICLE IN INDIA TIMES 20TH OCTOBER 2010
RISHTA HELP LINE ARTICLE IN INDIA TIMES 20TH OCTOBER 2010
Country's first relationship helpline - Indiatimes: Picture Story
www.indiatimes.com
You too can save a lot of pain!
Avoid reaching a crisis point-
STRUGGLING WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK: rishtahelpline/facebook
Country's first relationship helpline - Indiatimes: Picture Story
www.indiatimes.com
You too can save a lot of pain!
Avoid reaching a crisis point-
STRUGGLING WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK: rishtahelpline/facebook
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
RISHTA HELP LINE NOW IN MUMBAI TOO
INDIA'S ONLY Helpline for interpersonal relationships
Free telephone counseling sessions call us on…
888 884 6262
888 884 6363
Launch Date MUNBAI: Monday, 25th October 2010.
DIRECTOR RISHTA HELPLINE:
Dimple Shah
(Psychotherapist & Counsellor, director of revival.Life Counseling Center)
Rishtahelpline@gmail.com / Revival.life@gmail.com 9960900363
ABOUT RISHTA:
• Rishta is India’s first relationship helpline; an endeavor by revival.life counseling center to reach out to this very population who are struggling with relationship problems before they become chronic or critical by nature.
• While most help lines deal with specific crisis issues such as suicide / domestic violence / children, there is not a single help line dealing with relationship issues. Many interpersonal relationships show signs of turbulence much before it hits the crisis stage and if concerns are addressed at this early stage, one can save on a lot of pain and energy.
• Rishta Helpline was launched in Pune on 11th September, 2010 and the helpline has got a good response in Pune. Since its launch in Pune in the first month itself we have received 35% calls only from Mumbai, hence we are formally announcing Rishta help line launch in Mumbai on 25th October, 2010 along with new telephone numbers for our Mumbai callers.
• Rishta will be initially operational for 4 hours (1pm to 5pm) Monday through Saturday. Two lines will be simultaneously operational for receiving calls from Mumbai. The numbers are 888 884 6262 & 888 884 6363
• The calls will be manned by counselors trained by revival.life. Rishta help line is one of the only helpline which offers psychotherapeutic help. This approach of counseling empowers the individual to resolve his / her issues without direct advice. We find that this approach works the best and the changes brought about in their lives are long lasting. From the statistics in Pune over 93% of our callers have expressed satisfaction with our services. About 27% of the caller population has called us again for follow up telephone sessions. Each call lasts for about 20 – 43 mins and for the convenience of the callers, they can make telephone appointments for a repeat session with the same counselor.
• We have received a variety of calls on different issues ranging from marital discord, family issues, couple / girlfriend – boyfriend issues, peer and friendship issues, senior citizens, parenting issues and work related professional relationships. I would like to specify two categories of callers here:
1. MARITAL / COUPLE RELATIONS:
• The increase in relationship issues especially marriage, I find is largely due to duality of roles that now a double income group is playing. Wherein the man is expected to, apart from maintaining his traditional role of the financial provider also look into the role of a father, of house manager and like wise the woman apart from looking at the household and maternal responsibilities is expected to share the financial burden of running a house. This role expansion is against the traditional roles which the current generation still has in mind seeing their own parents and is in conflict with the new enlarged role that they are expected to play. So although they are accepting it at a mental level, at an emotional level it causes a lot of stress and conflict. Besides in their daily chores trying to manage these dual roles, they are so tied up that they do not have time to resolve the building conflicts. Many do not come for counseling due to sheer lack of time and the wounds fester.
• This issue is compounded with the divorce being relatively a more socially acceptable and easy option where couples instead of putting their mind together and working on their relationship to resolve their issues prefer to part ways whenever in disagreement or in pain. The social web of joint family which was present earlier is also disintegrating this also adds to the loss of any structure that can further bind them when in conflict.
• All in all with increased stress, ambiguity of roles, double income and financial independence, lack of social support and sheer lack of time to go for counseling are the reasons of increase in problems faced by couples in their relationships.
• We have received many callers who are struggling with this as a core issue and have benefited once they are able to get an insight into their perspective and conflict in resolving their issues over the telephone counseling provided by Rishta help line. We believe people know their problems better than any counselor in the world and therefore the answer to the best solution also lies within them therefore they do not require advice rather require perspective insight. Our counselors help them achieve this through psychotherapeutic skills.
2. WORK RELATED STRESS:
• At work place too its sheer competitive spirit and increased number of opportunities available that itself create stress. There are no limits to what one can make out of his / her career, primarily requiring out of the box thinking which creates higher peer pressure.
ABOUT REVIVAL.LIFE:
Revival.Life is a Therapeutic Resource Aids and Educational Center founded by Dimple Shah, a practicing psychotherapist and counselor. Services provided are for both adult and child dealing with both normal and psychiatric problems. Revival.life has also been conducting certificate training courses for counselors and social workers apart from out reach community programs and research.
In 15 years of my clinical work as a Psychotherapist, dealing with emotional issues of people, interpersonal relations have emerged as a single most crucial factor affecting their performance, health and harmony in life.
• People who are unhappy in relationships begin a domino ripple effect which then affects every other aspect of their lives initially in subtle negative ways; especially through low self esteem and weak self love but later it becomes all consuming.
• This crippling effect can be quickly reduced at an earlier stage, but many wait till things get unbearable to come in for face to face counseling, some never do. Often people have cited lack of awareness of counseling services, lack of time, heightened anxiety of labeling their conflicts as a problem, lack of financial resources, confusion or sheer unavailability of help during crisis as some of the reasons for not seeking early intervention.
RESEARCH:
In 2007, concerned with the rising suicide rates amongst the youth in the Software and BPO industry, and baffled with the work life stress being indicated as causal factor, revival.life conducted a research to study the causes and its impact of work stress. The outcome of the research was startling, but supporting with my clinical experiences: work life stress is an outcome of interpersonal relationship discord and not the other way round, as is generally believed.
FAQ’s on INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS:
• 7 out of 10 top stressors are interpersonal by nature.
• Interpersonal relationships are amongst the top three causes for suicides across all age groups.
• Relationship problems are cited as top 5 causal factors for poor academic / work performance increase in divorce rates and mental illness.
• 50% of calls to other help lines are pertaining interpersonal issues.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
INFIDELITY IN MARRIAGE
Every human being wishes to be eternally connected with a person. This connection is established or expected to be fulfilled in a love / marital relationship. Infidelity in the relationship causes severing of this connection and also the hope of it in future. Too often, the numbness and confusion, the pain and anger of uncovering the infidelity is intensified by the myths and half-truths about affairs and inability to share the wound, that makes surviving infidelity that much more draining and difficult - both mentally and emotionally.
Emotions in infidelity mimic that of death of a person, only more difficult to deal with because it is not an actual physical death. The partner is not only mourning the loss of the relationship but also the eternal wish to be connected with a human being. It stirs up deep infantile feelings of insecurity and leaves the person feeling unloved and abandoned.
Compounding the issue, infidelity is often kept under wraps as it is shrouded by societal humiliation, shame, guilt and lowered self worth. The partner goes through various stages such as denial/ disbelief, anger, apathy and then grief. This mourning can last up to a year, or even more. Each occasion/ incident is mourned individually till the person is ready to let go and forgive. Often, during this phase of grieving the wounded person, although aware of the practical approach to deal with the situation, is unable to do so due to intense emotions. Family and friends out of their concern and not wanting them to be in pain provide with logical/ practical solutions and try to cover the wound quickly. This only further complicates the problem and the person further withdraws into his/ her shell. Now, not only he /s he is wounded but is also expected to wear a smile on his/ her face and move on in life. To forgive, and forget. But the wound festers within, causing more damage.
Each affair is unique. Each different type of affair serves a unique purpose to the cheating husband or wife. Here are areas of knowledge that, once studied, generate tremendous relief and hope.
There are different TYPES of INFIDELITY.
I came up with 7 types of affairs in my work with couples over the last 15 years:
1. My Marriage Made Me Do It
2. I Can't Say No
3. I Don't Want to Say No
4. I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
5. I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
6. I Need to Prove my Desirability
7. I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand Intimacy
The reasons behind the varying types of affairs are distinctive. One may be motivated by compulsion, another by strong personal needs for excitement, another for revenge, another to maintain distance in all relationships, and another to project blame onto someone or something else.
These motives derive not from the marital relationship or the wounded spouse, but from the personal coping patterns of the cheating spouse. Additionally, these characteristics, motives, and patterns were already set well before the marital couple even met. At some level, it was necessary for the cheating spouse to "play out" these patterns. Unsurprisingly, most of this acting out (if not all of it), or at least the motivation behind the acting out, are well outside the consciousness of the cheating wife or husband.
Once the wounded spouse becomes aware of these patterns, the complexity of the infidelity and the motives for the cheating spouse - and other person as well - a flood of relief flows. The more one can make distinctions in a situation, the more refined those distinctions become, the less power that situation has to control the feelings and behavior of a person. Knowledge is power because it comes with options.
Overcoming infidelity requires a lot of space for the hurt and anger to be vented out. It is important that this venting out is listened to without any evaluation. This process along with challenging the beliefs about marriage and extramarital affairs helps the individual to cope with infidelity in an appropriate manner. It is difficult for the near and dear ones to do so because of their emotional attachment and involvement and often requires professional psychotherapeutic help for healing the individual/ s and their relationship. Working on these beliefs will provide the grieving person with clarity of thought and thereby the ability to choose his /her future actions. Knowledge about infidelity and self awareness becomes power with which one can heal oneself.
Look at the following false beliefs for example:
1. LOVE IS MAGICAL & SACRED: Coping with infidelity for the wounded spouse may mean dealing with the seeming fact that s/he is no longer "loved" and in reality that "love," which was so sacred, is given to someone else and one has no control over it/ the ability to regain it. And, honestly, what is more emotionally devastating than to feel unloved?
2. POOR MARRIAGE LEADS TO INFEDILITY: Another common misconception is that someone jumped into the arms of someone else because the marriage was awful. Quite often, this means that the sex was awful, or even nonexistent. The wounded spouse is left lamenting the arguments and the points of differences with his/her spouse as if those differences tainted the marriage or relationship or worse what could they have done to avoid the infidelity.
3. Everybody is unfaithful; it is normal, expectable behavior: Seeking solace in commonality of the problem can bring about temporary relief, but along with it it brings about disillusionment and hopelessness about life in general and relationships in particular.
4. Affairs are good for you; an affair may even revive a dull marriage: Back at the height of the sexual revolution. This is an ineffective way to pacify oneself as jt leads to further damage in a relationship and more so to ones own self esteem.
5. People have affairs because they are oversexed: Affairs are about secrets. The infidelity is not necessarily in the sex, but in the dishonesty.
6. People have affairs because they aren't in love with their marriage partner: On closer examination it routinely turns out that the marriage was fine before the affair happened, and the decision that they were not in love with their marriage partner was an effort to explain and justify the affair. Being in love does not protect people from lust. Infidelity with your loved one is not a very loving thing to do, and it may be downright hostile. If people are experiencing a deficiency in their ability to love their partner, it is not clear how something so hateful as betraying him or her would restore it.
7. TIME WILL HEAL THE WOUNDS: The wounded person is wounded because he/ she was unconsciously attracted to a person with particular traits. If these motives are not uncovered, he / she is likely to fall into a similar trap once again. So in a way they are responsible, albeit unconsciously. If these wounds are not opened, aired and well looked at, they are likely to remain infested and the infection likely to reappear at a later date, and often more damaging. Hence often we find the person saying that my partners often have uncannily similar personalities. Time does not help in protecting oneself in the future. One needs to work not only with ones emotions but also take professional psychotherapeutic help to figure out what about them drew them to such a person.
Such knowledge about infidelity brings great relief, quite often right then and there. Knowledge about infidelity gives options to act, feel and think differently, which gives one a tremendous feeling of personal power. The "wounded spouse" moves beyond playing the victim, and now recognizes that he or she is not at fault for the affair taking place. S/he is not defective. She or he can confront him or her with a basic educated guess as to the end result of that confrontation. There is nothing s/he could have done to avoid infidelity in the spouse. It also brings in awareness about ones own mental makeup protecting the person from future hurts.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
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